I Need Applause to Live
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Finn raised an eyebrow. Was Rachel being honest or was she acting? Sometimes it was hard to tell, but Finn could have sworn that there was something…strained…in her voice. Yes, that was the right word. “It was beautiful there,” he agreed softly. He didn’t remember much about the city, to be honest. Finn had spent most of his time either in the hotel or trying to romance Rachel. “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”
Oh no. She asked about Kurt. Finn sighed and rubbed his face. “He’s uhm, he’s not so great, really. He’s happy for you though,” he added quickly. “I just don’t think he knows what to do now. Blaine’s been over a lot and that seems to have helped.” In reality Finn wasn’t sure what Kurt needed. Probably just more time. Burt was already looking at other programs, trying to find something to appeal to Kurt. “Lima’s okay. I haven’t been seeing anyone except for like, Kurt.” He wasn’t sure if Rachel would catch what he was implying, but she was smart. Finn was pretty sure she would. “I uhm, it’s really not the same without you, you know? Lima’s not the same at all.”
Once Finn brought up his feelings about New York - even such a dull one - she felt tears well up in her eyes. She thought of how beautiful it was to arrive in her cute light blue dress to see a dressed-up Finn holding out flowers. Memories flooded into her brain of their dinner at Sardi’s, the quiet walk at night, the “superman” of all kisses. She remembered the feeling of just knowing that sooner or later, they were going to be living together in New York - having the city to themselves. But that didn’t happen, and Finn wasn’t here with her in New York this time.
She nodded, though he couldn’t see it and covered her mouth with a shaking hand when he told her about Kurt. This brought upon full-on tears. She knew she was in a particularly lonely place in her life, and she could control that and handle it. But the fact that her best friend was so sad, and she couldn’t help made everything so much worse. She nodded at his words, avoiding exposing her depressed demeanor at all costs.
Rachel coughed and calmed herself after a moment of awkward silence. ”I bet it’s a lot quieter!” She laughed to herself, picturing the town without her. Everything must be silent and calm and bland. She particularly enjoyed the thought that she meant so much to her home town.
Finn’s breath caught in his throat for a moment but he quickly struggled to gain control again. She didn’t even sound angry yet. He wasn’t sure why not, but he was willing to go with it for now. “Hey Rach,” he said quietly as he moved to sit on his bed. “I uh, how have you been?” He wasn’t quite sure what to say, if he was going to be perfectly honest. It was just good to hear her voice again. As he lay back against the headboard he thought of just how good it really felt.
In all honesty, it was rare for Finn to not hear Rachel’s voice every day. Since sophomore year it had felt like she had started talking and never really shut up. Over the last few days he was pretty sure the only person he’d talked to at any length was Kurt and right now Kurt was terrible company.
He closed his eyes as he listened to Rachel, his head purposefully turned away from the pile of photographs just to the left of his bed. No matter how he felt about things, no matter how nostalgic, he couldn’t toy with her feelings just because he was lonely. That was slimy and he was working really hard to get out of that stage of his life. Still…it was okay to call, wasn’t it? Just to check up on her? It had to be.
Rachel made herself breathe slowly and remain calm. She honestly didn’t know how to deal with this situation, as she expected the next interaction between the two of them to be at Will and Emma’s wedding, or maybe an important Glee club performance. The line was silent for a second. She considered answering honestly and telling him that she was nearly miserable without him. Then she thought lying would just make for a safer and more casual conversation. ”Well, I’ve been doing A-okay! The city is absolutely gorgeous, especially at night. I haven’t met many people, but I prefer to spend my first few days just basking in the atmosphere.”
Rachel smiled to herself a little. There - she didn’t need to lie at all. She just used exquisitely worded hyperbole, and she sounded like quite the happy camper. She tapped her feet a little to the sound of her Funny Girl soundtrack playing quietly in the background. ”How is Lima? Is Kurt doing well?” She had been worried about her best friend, and even placed a few calls his way, but she knew he would never reveal his true disappointment to her after she got what he wanted. She looked down at her left hand sitting in her lap, and wondered how Finn was. Did he like being “free” and single? It seemed like it was almost his deal to live like that, but she wasn’t really sure. He was hardly ever lacking a companion.
It was still hard for Finn to believe that he was actually going to go through with it. Even after everything his mother had told him about his dad, he still wanted to go through with it, to join the Army. Even if it meant leaving everything behind. There were worse things, he figured. As nervous as he was about basic training, it had to beat watching Kurt as he roamed aimlessly from room to room after losing out on NYADA. At least Finn had some sort of purpose. Still…
Packing was the hardest thing he’d probably ever done. It seemed that everywhere he turned there were memories. Pictures of him and his friends from Glee, the shirt he was wearing when he had his first kiss with Quinn, his boutineer from prom. Tiny little things, but all of them poignant reminders of what he was leaving. It was unnerving.
The worst though, the worst were the ones that reminded him of Rachel. The breakup was still too fresh in his mind. Finn really did believe he’d done the right thing, that he’d set Rachel free to be the star he knew she should be. But god, it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like hell. After dealing with a few too many pictures of his ex he sighed, defeated. He couldn’t do this. He had to call her, even if it was just to hear her yell at him.
Finn quickly grabbed his phone from the desk and dialed Rachel’s number, his heart pounding as it rang.
Rachel had been in New York for a few days now, and she still had no idea whether she wanted to stay or not. It was her dream, and she was loving every moment of it - there was no doubt about that. But she was all alone, and that feeling was heavy on her chest.
When she first arrived to the Big Apple, she had walked around and enjoyed the sights that she’d only just seen the year before. Her smile was as wide as possible. After the extremely long train ride from Ohio to NYC, she cried out all of her tears, and the thoughts of leaving Finn became more and more rare. But once the original excitement wore off, the pain came back.
She arrived at her empty apartment and unpacked her things - mainly a few pieces of clothing and photos. She fell right on her bed and realized that she had such a long time to go before school started, and nothing to fill it with. The proceeding days followed the same pattern, save the few conversations with the cashier at one of her favorite cafes. So when she heard her phone ring, and saw the picture of Finn flash onto the screen, her heart skipped a beat and she sat on a chair that was placed in front of a window - for maximum viewing pleasure. She pressed the green button and spoke, trying not to let any tears shed. ”Finn? Is that you?”
